Pochi giorni fa ho letto un racconto molto gradevole, ben scritto e originale: The Anal-Retentive Line Editor di Dennis Cooper, tratto dalla raccolta Ugly Man. Il protagonista, line editor in una rivista pornografica gay, cerca di sedurre l’autore di un racconto arrivato in redazione. Tutta la storia è narrata attraverso ciò che scrive l’editor, ovvero i commenti nel testo e le email all’autore.

L’elemento che mi ha conquistato e mi ha invogliato a leggere tutto il racconto è il modo in cui l’editor scrive i primi commenti nel racconto: il tipo di commenti e il livello di dettaglio sono gli stessi che uso io da un po’ più di un annetto… anche se è più facile che io mi trovi a ragionare sulle conseguenze logiche di una certa scelta (ad esempio dire “zeppelin” invece di “dirigibile” in un racconto steampunk ucronico: le suggestioni relative all’importanza dei tedeschi nel settore, presente o passata, incluso un’eventuale uso militare degli stessi che ne ha diffuso il nome come “marchio generalizzato” nel mondo anglosassone sono ENORMI) o su come il punto di vista è gestito (ogni dettaglio di ogni cosa che passa attraverso il filtro del POV ci dice qualcosa del personaggio POV perché ci mostra come LUI filtra la realtà: la stessa vicenda attraverso due POV diversi genera due storie completamente diversi per suggestioni, tono, pensieri, dettagli ecc…) piuttosto che di lingue e dita che entrano nel buco del culo. ^_^”

L’inizio:

. . . I shoved my tongue deep inside his hot, tight ass [Editor’s note: Many problems here. Unless your character is Gene Simmons, he’d be lucky to insert his tongue an eighth of an inch inside the ass, which, taking into account the volume of the cavity in question, doesn’t qualify as deep. If he is a Gene Simmons type, you need to say so. Also, human asses aren’t hot. Unless your character has spanked the ass in question vigorously—and there is no mention of that—or they are in a sauna—which they are not—the exterior would be lukewarm or tepid at best. If you’re referring to the anal cavity itself, you’d be lucky to get away with warm. In fact, the tongue has a higher temperature than the anal membranes, so the effect would be a cooling. The only exception would be if the secondary character is ill and running a fever, in which case I don’t believe the main character would be rimming him, correct?] and spent a delirious hour scrounging around in his delicious, silken depths [An hour, really? It’s technically possible, but your main character’s facial muscles would be very sore, in which case “delirious” becomes a problem. May I suggest “minute”? Your point would still be made. “Scrounging” is effective. It does feel as though one is being scrounged, but I would never have thought of that word. “Around” is unnecessary, but I found its masculine, blue-collar tone erotic, so I’ll let it stand. As for “delicious,” I understand what you’re getting at. Your main character thinks the secondary character is very attractive. Hence, blah blah blah. However, an asshole is not delicious. There is barely any taste at all. It’s the aroma of the asshole that creates the illusion of a flavor. Of course calling attention to that aroma would be risky. You might have noticed that most pornographic descriptions of oral-anal sex avoid the issue, apart from the occasional aside that an ass smells “clean.” How ambitious are you? You could break new ground by eroticizing the aroma of an ass being rimmed, or you could avoid the area entirely. In any case, “delicious” won’t fly. As for “silken,” silk is dry and gauzy. Anal membranes are slick and greasy. How about “rubbery”? With “depths” we have the same problem I mentioned earlier: Your main character is not anywhere near the secondary character’s depths. There is also the problem of repetition: “deep,” “depths.”] while he devoured [Is he a cannibal? If so, do you think he’d have the patience?] my big dick [Bland, de rigueur. Perhaps “gigantic,” “monster,” “humongous”? You could also indicate whether it is circumcised or not. Is the dick leaking seminal fluid? If so, that would add some pizzazz.] and juicy balls. [Oranges are juicy; testicles sweat and very modestly at that.]

Bello, no? ^_^

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